What do I wake up everyday for? I don't have the energy to think about answers, but the question lingers. I hate myself for thinking that everyone hates me 24/7. It's a lie, I know. It's something in my head. I'm tired of braving the days, and the conversations, and the commitments, and the have-to-show-up's, and the I'm-no-good's. I don't want to die. I just don't want to exist for a while, if it will give me some peace of mind. Is that even possible?

Update 1: Not smoking  

Yes, I think I'm doing pretty great, actually. I never picked up a single stick of cigarette ever since I posted that status that I would stop smoking. It's my 2nd month now, and most of the withdrawal symptoms have either disappeared, or maybe I've just started to learn to completely ignore them. Either way, I'm doing pretty great. I'm not about to tell other people to stop smoking as well, though. 



Update 2: Weight loss  

A couple of days after I decided to quit smoking, I put on my running shoes and went to school (where I work as a librarian) 2 hours earlier than working hours and ran for no reason. I just went and did it and have been at it for 2 months now. I've gained stamina, and I can now run for 3km without stopping. Lol, pussy, I know. But you should've seen me when I first started. I thought I was gonna die the first half kilometer, lmao. As a bonus, I started hitting the gym a week after I started running. I can now proudly do proper extended leg lifts on the dip bar for 2 sets of 20 reps. I'm not gonna put in detail the rest of my routine here.

First couple of days, I weighed around 59.3kg, a bit overweight for a girl my height. I've started to see and feel the difference. I can walk longer distances. I used to absolutely HATE field excursions, you know, because of all the walking. Now I can last a whole day of it, no sweat. Also, I can begin to see the shape of my shoulders again, so, yay slimming down! However, seems like my weight is pretty slow in going down. Probably because the fats are getting replaced with muscle weight.... or maybe all I'm losing is water weight? I sure hope not. That's less than what I was hoping for. Welp, just gotta keep trying... and cutting down on the chow.



Update 3: Color pencils  

Yyyyeaaaah, I'm still working on that. I'm enjoying (?) drawing with my new Polychromos set, but I still suck at it. I tend to rub the color in too hard until I either warp or completely destroy the paper. That's not good. Also, for some reason the colors turn out very different when I scan my work. I do not understand it. For now, I just settle for taking pictures of my work. It looks closer to how it should look like. I hope I can get commissioned for those kinds of works so I could get more practice.



Others  

OMG you guys. Commission me please, lmao. After several months of scorching hellish summer heat, it's been beginning to rain hard, REALLY HARD, recently. The rain was so hard last night that the water finally REKT my roof and ceiling. I could not get any sleep last night because I had to spend it scooping water off the floor using a dustpan and a small bucket. When the bucket fills, I had to bring it out the door and empty it, and then go back in again and scoop the water again. No, I can't simply put the bucket under the place where water is dripping, because it's not just dripping, mind you, it's fricking made a  Niagara Falls on my wall. 

This came at a perfect time too, just when I blew my cash on repairs on my mom's PC. Yeaaaaah. So how am I gonna get that roof fixed, without having to borrow money from relatives? Gotta work for it! So if you want anything drawn, just hit my commissions widget, k? I'll draw you anything. Absolutely anything.

K thx bye!



PS: Hodor is in big trouble

Hey guys, I'm really happy that you gave me a watch. I am really grateful. Like, really. I was on hiatus from dA and from drawing for more than a year, I was afraid I wouldn't get attention when I came back. When I did return, my friends from a year ago had left indefinitely, and I was sad. But now that you guys are here, I am really happy.

So, go on and ask me anything. I will answer your question, and ask you something in return. Let's get to know each other!

 
 
 
 
I may have bitten-off more than I can chew, and I'm choking on happiness!

For the longest time, I have been thinking up activities and making groups which can contribute to the deviantart community. I wanted something which would encourage interaction between fellow deviants and also promote art creation. Thus, Cultural-Diversity and CollabFactory were created.

Those two groups didn't really gain the amount of members that I was hoping to start with. Maybe I was doing this group thing wrong? Or perhaps I was not active enough? Or maybe, I just didn't really have that much motivation to push through with my plans.

Enter, PROJECTChallenge

After a year, I tried to make an activity again, but this time, I didn't make a group yet for fear that I might make another "dead" group. For the activity, I was thinking of something more simple and personal: What do I want? Why do I take commissions, even though sometimes I don't usually draw stuff like what the commissioners give me? Why do I join contests? Why?

The answer was simple: I like the challenge.

Okay, so what, right? It's not like everyone else is like me. If I were to make a challenge for everyone, who would care to make free art for nothing? I would certainly not find much motivation if it were me. You want me to draw a pony for nothing? Nah. Want me to draw an F1 car for free? Fuck off.

"But then, what would motivate me if not for the points or the money?"

This was problem number 1.

"Then again, who am I to give out challenges, when I myself am not that good at art, not even at what I actually like doing?"

This was problem number 2.

"Fuck it," I said to myself, and posted this thread in the project forum: forum.deviantart.com/community…

When I hit that post button, I closed my laptop and went to sleep thinking, "In the morning, it's not gonna get any replies and will be buried deep within tons of commission orders, offers, art trades, contests, and free work -- all the things that people actually care about." I slept on with this in mind, to reduce the would-be disappointment that I was sure to feel in the morning when I checked my notifications.

When I woke up, although I was feeling reluctant, I checked my dev app, and was surprised to see three comments. They were request challenges.



I was happy and excited that I at least got three comments, so I executed my plan. I checked out their galleries, pointed out the things that they're good at, and constructed personalized challenges for them based on their existing works. I was so happy when they gladly welcomed the challenges I made them.

A day later, more comments came, along with submissions of works for the challenges that were given. So, I made a group where I could feature those works.

A couple of days more, still more comments came from the forum thread, so I made a journal in the group so that the group can be active too. I also invited cribelia to be a Co-Founder so she could help me out.

Today, I have in my notifications more than 30 notifications (real conversations) -- 10 requests from the forum thread which is still active, around 3 additional requests from the group journal, more than 5 challenge submissions which I am excited to comment on, an invitation for a collaboration, and several membership requests, and more which I have not yet checked. For someone who is busy juggling her schedule for work, school, art, and games, this is much more than I can handle... But I love it. It's not as big as the bigger groups out there with already running successful activities, but it is a good start. I may have finally found the kind of contribution to the dA community that I have always been looking for.

I am pleased.

I am happy.

And I am in need of more people to help! This is a call to kindred souls out there who want to participate in making constructive criticisms about the works of our fellow deviants and are willing to think up challenges to help everyone improve, please send a message to PROJECTChallenge to indicate your application!

Lezzdodiz!